Transcript - Episode 018 - Unwritten Rules
Episode 018
Unwritten Rules
You can listen HERE.
Unwritten rules, they are so natural to us. And unwritten rules are a part of a very deep form of communication and expectations. Unwritten rules cause uncommunicated expectations. Uncommunicated expectations break up marriages, families, and businesses. What are your values, your tenets, your culture? oooh… and have you ever considered what your unwritten rules are?
Hi, I'm Daava Mills, The Rebellious Recruiter. Have you ever heard the phrase "beat them over the head with the Bible?" Or the concept of beating sense into a person? So much corporate capital is spent on companies using culture to recruit, and an equal amount is spent on communication is seems. And yet… there is a gap. Today, we're talking about the gap. The gap that is caused by your, mine and our, unwritten rules and uncommunicated expectations.
Pull up a seat, let's chat.
Intro Music
In your business or profession there are things that make you stew or frustrate you. I have a friend who works in mortgage, you know what makes her stew? People who say, "it's tacked on the back end."
Or someone who works in customer service and they revile at the term "the customer is always right." Let's face it… the customer isn't, and the customer throws that one all the time. It's quite annoying.
Ooh!! How 'bout this one? "Treat your employees like business owners and they'll perform better."
Each of those could be right, given the context, given the contract, given the situation, given the fine print. And more often than not the context, contract, situation or fine print is not used in the in the final declaration. The final declaration creates a stereotype that is often not correct.
Then trouble starts when you have two people on two different playing fields espousing the same things based on… you guessed it… assumptions. Now, we've created an unwritten rule. Unwritten rules serve no purpose. The issue is that we all have them, and we all base our communication on unwritten rules.
Take for instance an Aboriginal group in Australia, I can't pronounce the language they speak, but the link to a great article is in the show notes. They don't have words for left, right, in front, behind. Everything is a variation of North, South, East and West. Also, a person from this culture if they were to point behind them, they would actually point at their own chest. Being from the US and raised as a person who understands the rules of English and how to speak as an American with mostly European roots, I would naturally understand them to be talking about themselves, but they are simply pointing a direction. If I was to point at myself, they would understand that I am pointing behind me, when I am actually communicating about myself.
This isn't just specific to this culture in Australia, there are instances around the world.
The point here is that when two forms of communication, or two people communicating, operate from unwritten finite rules, we tend to misinterpret each other. Then what's worse is we hold the person accountable to our understanding, and they get mad at us, at you, at me, for their understanding and us holding "whatever" against them.
Let's segue here.
We used to have company mission statements. Then we added company visions. Then values came online, in many different forms. We finally added Simon Sinek to the equation, and we have our "why." These are all great things to have, but what are you doing to inform your staff of what the mission means, how the vision plays out, what the values look like in day-to-day practice. And finally, why we do what we do?
But where is the legend, the map, the how to. What respect looks like at one company, can be wholly different at another. I worked at a company where we "spoke the truth, even if it hurt." Many employees used that as permission to slam people. That being said, if one was to sit down and speak to the CEO, he was adamant that speaking the truth, even if painful, was not license to purposely hurt people. Obviously, that context was missing.
What we had was employees, when disgruntled were people who might not have been fully trained, and they'd use the values to talk about where the company failed. Or better yet, people when disagreeing using company values to beat down the other person, so the first one feels superior.
The first place you can start establishing a common language with employees is before they become and employee. Talk about values on your website, as to how is plays out as an employee. When you interview a person, give them information on what aspects of your culture look like. Ask them a question, listen to their answer, explain what might be different in your culture as to the answer they gave. Don't hold them accountable to unwritten rules. They might be saying behind me, and you might be seeing them point to themselves. Get clear on what they mean, and make sure they are clear on what you mean.
I was in a forum recently. A poster asked, "what type of answer do you want, when you open the interview with 'Tell me about yourself'?"
The responses and expectations were very curious. Here are a few of the responses, edited so no one in particular is called out:
Hobbies and personal life - interesting that one of the individuals who stated this noted that they wanted that info because they can't openly ask about it
Know about their out of work activities and determine if it complements the desired work ethic
I want to know they focus on personal productivity
I don't want them to focus on things that seem negative to me
The succinctness of their elevator pitch
How vulnerable they choose to be
Ability to concisely speak, a clear vision or purpose, passion, energy and excitement
What have they done in the past that shows they could do this job
What they think defines them, and put their character on display
AND - how they prioritize giving information on themselves
Know what's crazy about all those answers? Candidates were judged on their response without context. A candidate opens up about their personal life with one interviewer, and it's awesome, the next thinks they aren't professional, the next automatically makes it mean they can hold a schedule. It's all assumptions, caused by unwritten rules. One person pointing through their own body, but you see it as pointing at their own chest.
I don't know about you but starting an interview and an employment relationship with unwritten rules is wholly unhealthy. What perception are you creating about your business by asking a question, and not having a common language or a Rosetta Stone for your candidates or employees?
The issue is that most of us have asked this at one time or another. That variety of expectations is ridiculous. There is no clear communication in that.
Give examples on the website. Talk about the culture in the first interview or phone screen, BEFORE you ask questions. If you explain what information you are gathering and why it's important, the candidate will give you relevant information that will allow you to see if it works or if it doesn't.
Let's look at these assumptions each interviewer wants, and let's create a relevant question. that is not based in unwritten rules.
If you want to know about hobbies or personal life, you need to have a valid reason for this. Maybe you are hiring a gaming coder, and the person has no paid coding experience, but they've been self-taught. In that case asking about how they learned their hobby, what classes they've taken, what podcasts they listen to, what YouTube channel is helpful - this is relevant. So, ask "How did you come to enjoy coding?" or "What has been the most interesting problem you've solved when you were learning coding?" or "What is the neatest trick or shortcut you've learned?" Talk to them, engage their desire for fun, or problem solving.
Work ethic… simply put, their hobbies, and how they organize their schedule has NOTHING, NADA, ZIP, ZILCH to do with work ethic. Remember, some people work to support their hobbies. Some people have no hobbies because they like to work, or they have kids, pets, a house… laundry… I hate laundry. If you judged my ability to do work over my detestment (is that a word?) of laundry? It would not be right. Talk to them about communication practices when they have a late project, or how they get answers to a problem they encounter. Do they talk to coworkers, google it, ignore it??? Say it's not their job… You'll get a lot further talking to them about problems solving and work ethic, than making an assumption that "tell me about yourself" somehow meshes with work ethic.
Personal productivity! Awesome interview conversation. Assuming it'll come out in the first two minutes of conversation with a generic question? Not so much. I talked about this in my two episodes ago, Camp, Cadavers and Crappy Questions. Ask them "What tool have you discovered that made an aspect of your job simpler?" Talk to them about how they schedule their day. Ask them about how they set deadlines and estimate deliverables. Ask them how many one on ones they need with you to remain clear on goals.
What if you're the interviewer that doesn't want people to focus on the negative. Well, I've got news for you. If a person is looking for a new job? Most likely there is a driver behind it's that's not too positive. We can talk about turning lemons into lemonade… but it takes sugar. Your interview and potential job? That's a bit of the sugar. Listen to the driver in negativity. And ask them one of my favorite questions, straight from Episode 007. "If you could change one aspect of your job, position or company you have been working for, what would you change and why?" Don't avoid negativity, get into their mindset to find out the driver behind it. Sometimes there are some great ideas that haven't been listened to!
Their succinctness of their elevator pitch… really? You asked them an interview question to tell you about them… it's open ended, and you expect a 20 or 30 second response? Either the person expecting this has ridden in long elevator rides or doesn't know that an elevator pitch is just a couple sentences. Yes, there is a pitch component in an elevator speech. If you want to hear their pitch? Just tell them "Give me your best elevator speech about you." Again, be direct… tell them what you want.
How vulnerable they choose to be was what one interviewer expected to hear in "tell me about yourself." Now, I bang the drum on this a lot… but you should NEVER, EVER expect a candidate to wear their heart on their sleeve. Besides, do you want them to be vulnerable with your clients and your income? Nah… If you want them to open up in some heartfelt way, you need to open up first. And asking them to come out of the gate and being vulnerable. Nope… bad call, they are likely to close down more. If you have that expectation, hold it for later in the interview. Ask them what their greatest learning experience has been, with regards to their career. You might be surprised at what comes out. And it'll likely be more vulnerable…
What about the ability to concisely speak, a clear vision or purpose, passion, energy and excitement when asked to talk about oneself? Well, all for sure you are going to get is the ability, or not, to speak concisely. I think if any one of these questions is subject to unwritten rules and assumptions, this is it! If you want a person to tell you their career vision or purpose, just ask them. But please don't hold them accountable to your visible level of passion and purpose. Some people are passionate and don't show it, others are excitable which can be mistaken for passion. Nothing wrong with asking a person about all this, but don't assume it means anything about how well they can do the job.
Another unwritten rule is when the interviewer wants them to relate their past experiences and how well it means they can do the position. Some interviewers start with "How does your experience relate to the position we have here. I wrote a blog post about this a while back, with all the information related to this ideology. It's in the show notes. But the TLDR (Too Long Didn't Read) is that most the time this has been asked, and the company has not provided enough information to the candidates that are applying. Because the website is anemic when talking to potential employees, or the ad doesn't give a good view of what is vital to the culture. Or… it's just too positive, and there are no weaknesses or uniquenesses apparent. Don't make the employee do a sales job on you without information, or they'll pitch the wrong solution. If this is important, you need to find out what's important to the candidate first. Then have a conversation about what's important to them, cross referenced with your expectations.
Okay - only two more unwritten rules to go. But as you can tell, this is just a drop in the bucket.
What the candidate thinks defines them, and how they put their character on display. Honestly, this one is a head scratcher. Why would someone launch into what defines them, and if they do, are you going to make assumptions about their judgment? Some people are defined by their parents abandoning them, some are defined by their military experience, some are defined by becoming parents. Honestly, if your goal is to get this response… You're not only going to be sorely disappointed, but you might also garner some information that isn't usable in the decision-making process. If you want to go this direction, ask them "Who is your balcony person?" This is a great question for recent college graduates. Otherwise, it doesn't work.
What's a balcony person? We all have one or have had one… it's the person cheering us on from the sidelines. They aren't a coach; they aren't someone we've trained. Their role to one's life is that of a cheerleader. I've had great conversations with recent grads and learned why they do what they do… when I've learned who their balcony person is.
Last one… how they prioritize giving information on themselves. Okay… I saved that one for last… You know why? Look at all these answers people expect. Then you have a candidate, walk into an interview. They've diligently done research on how to answer this question, they know you could be looking for any one of these responses… how the heck do you expect them to prioritize giving you this information? What priority do you expect? Here's a hint, if you expect business conversation, ask business questions. Don't expect them to read your mind.
I've got a challenge for you. Reflect on your unwritten rules. Then write them down. Your unwritten rules are key to your culture. You can bring on talented people when you stop it with the unwritten rules, tell them the rules. If they want to work in the environment of your rules, they will… if they don't, they won't apply, or they step out of the interview process. But document your expectation and get clear on the communication you expect.
Let me know how it goes.